Who We Were, Who We Are
by Sev-chan
Summary: Mod Day. Shawn & Anthony had a connection to each other not a normal one & not a pleasnt one. Both having abusive parents just seemed to make them friends. Shawn's parents finally split up Anthony doesn't take it too well, they're only kids.Years later Sh


Disclaimer: I don't own the Newsies. I'm sure many wish they did, but fanfiction is all we got so let us have that.

Warning: none really, I can't think of any!

Pairing: Spot/Race (respective Shawn and Anthony)

1st person pov, Spot.

Pre-A/N: A few things I want to say before hand. 1) Nothing bad/wrong goes on in this fic when they're kids, just a simple kiss. 2) many kids at my elementary school back when I was a little were already dating (which was just stupid!) so two kids, kissing, wasn't in the least "gross" to them. On with the story!

**Who We Were, Who We Are**

There wasn't much in my life that I chose to remember. I had a generally abusive childhood. My parents never really seemed to get along with each other; as I got older I realized how much they both hated each other. My mother said that over the years they just grew apart and that my father never grew up. My dad always said my mother was just too stubborn, but both had apologized on multiple occasions for always beating me the way did back then. The only good that had come from the bruises I always hid was Anthony.

At first, back in elementary school Anthony had just been some other face in my class. But once I started to become more withdrawn and often lashed out at the other kids on the playground……that's when Anthony became more than just another face. One day during class we'd been sitting down at the same table by ourselves cutting up construction paper for our class project when Anthony had spoken to me.

"……..You're parents hitting you?" he'd asked it so casually that I answered without a second thought.

"Yeah," I'd nodded.

"Mine too," he'd said.

"Oh," I'd never really thought about it happening to other kids.

It was more or less the beginning of our friendship and co-dependency. Anthony had been my lifeline and I'd been his. It sort of became an unspoken agreement that if one of our parents were fighting we'd show up at the others house. Neither of us would ever stay long, just long enough to pretend the yelling never happened. Sometimes we'd take off for days together, we'd lie to our parents and since neither had the others number we knew neither would call the other.

We'd usually sleep in the abandoned house three blocks from the school, everthing in it worked…..Just nobody lived there. We'd usually cook our own meals using the stuff we'd brought from home. Days spent there were like our paradise. (1)

One night while we were lying down together waiting for sleep Anthony said, "You know, I could easily picture us together like this, for the rest our lives."

"Sleeping in an abandoned house or avoiding our parents?" I could see us doing both.

"Ha, nah……you know, together. Sort of like our parents, except without all the yelling, and the beating, and the hate."

"That would be nice," but it wasn't like I was completely sure on what I'd been saying. So when he kissed me I was caught a little off guard and confused. (2)

"Good night Shawn," and he went to sleep like he always did after a long day.

Without our parents sleep always seemed to come more quickly. And like most good things it came to an end. When I came home that next night I discovered that my dad and mom were separating and that I was going with my dad. At school I was sitting with Anthony behind a large tree when I told him about what was happening. He didn't seem to take it well and said he hated me and that he wouldn't forgive me, but that didn't stop him from clutching onto me. He hated me as much as I'd wanted to leave, that much I knew. The forgiveness is another story.

XXX

So here I am, years later, finally staying with my mother. A lot of things have changed over the years: like that abandoned house is now home to a family of five. My mom finally sold our old house and she now lives on the good side of town. There's no gun fire on this street to got to sleep to, but the train works just the same. I'm a senior at a good high school and I've relatively opened up a lot more then from when I was a child.

I spent a lot of my time over the years thinking about Anthony and wondering what he was doing at that moment. Or whether he was sitting in his room covering his ears with headphones and loud music wondering what I was doing at that moment. Part of me always hoped I'd run into him at my new school, but I guess he's still living on the bad side of town. Most likely stuck with a third rate education and dependant on someone new….though I'm also sure he's quite capable of being self-reliant. I just wish we'd kept in touch with one another.

It wasn't till a month later after I'd moved back into town that Anthony and I crossed paths. I was working at the mall (Pretzel World if you want to know.) and it was finally my break time and like most times I bought Subway, eat fresh as they say, but instead of eating inside that day I decided to eat outside because it was crowded inside. I'd gone to the opposite end of the mall and sat on a bench, that side was always sparse of people. Everything was perfect till I heard a door close and a guy in a black and white referee like top came and leaned against the wall and lit up a cigarette. Must work at Footlocker, poor fool, then again I was the one with the pretzel hat and shirt with all our dipping choices on it.

"Hey you got a lighter?" he asked shaking his.

"Yeah, sure," I pulled out my metal lighter and tossed it to him.

He lit his cigarette then looked at my lighter curiously, "S.C. what's that stand for?"

I couldn't stop myself from thinking he had a nice voice and that it sounded slightly familiar, "Shawn Conlon."

"……Shawn?" he suddenly turned and really looked at me.

"That's my name, don't wear it out." I chose to eat my sandwich before I ran out of time.

"Did you use to live here when you were younger?" he tossed me my lighter back.

"Yeah….." I stopped and looked up at him and jumped up. ".……Anthony!"

"No shit, when did you get back?" he walked over and stood next to me.

"I've only been here a month…..I was sort of…never mind," I got up and threw my trash away and sat back down.

"Nah, what is it?" he sat down next to me and offered me his cigarette.

"Well, I mean what've you been up to since I've been gone?" I took it from him and inhaled gratefully.

"Nothing really, after you left I became a bit of a loner. In Jr. High I had a "behavior problem" and once I turned sixteen my parents kicked me out because they didn't want to deal with me anymore. Let alone the fact they could barely deal with each other." I gave him back his cigarette and he took a long drag from it.

"So where're you living now?"

"I got a small house near The Old Bridge, the old guy renting it to me dropped the rent price a couple hundred because I'm young and also I'm fixing it up. He always likes to think of me as 'The Grandson Who Never Visits' and on holidays he invites me over and we spend it together. I like to think of him as 'The Grandfather I Never Knew' we get along great. So….how about you?" he checked his watch.

"Nothing really, my dad sent me to a private school, made some shallow but new friends who I'll probably never talk to again. After years of arguing with my dad I finally get to live with my mom. It's funny, they do much better apart then they ever had together."

"So what school you go to?"

"…..I'm a Willow Brook Bear," I mumbled.

"No shit, you wear orange and black during spirit week?"

"Only for extra credit when I get bad test scores…..which is like always."

"Just be happy you're not a Norton Crane," he put out his cigarette and checked his watch again. "Say, what time you get off?"

"Not till closing."

"Me neither. Maybe if you're not doing anything afterwards we can pick up some food and you can see my craptacular house," we both started heading inside.

"Sure," I'm not too sure what we planned to accomplish with this, probably try to connect as friends again, without the sound of our parents screaming in the back of our minds.

Work that day had dragged on like no ones business. By the time it was closing time I'd changed and was carrying two bags full of pretzels. It didn't matter that I worked there, I loved eating soft pretzels. I met up with Anthony in front of Footlocker. He looked tired and a lot older then our age. We'd pestered the two people left at Panda Express to give us what was left of their food, which took all of two seconds because the guys who work at The Panda had stoners for closers. Idiots.

XXX

Anthony's house was more on the rundown outskirts of town. He lived in the kind of house that looked like it'd been left to rot, but had a shit load of potential to be absolutely nice fixed up. Essentially it was Anthony's dream come true. Since Anthony really didn't like people it had worked out nice for him that this was the only house he could afford to rent.

The paint on the house was chipping, the windows were cracked, and the lawn needed lots of weeding. The inside had been repainted and the doors were obviously new. The kitchen cabinets had been changed and the counter was being tiled. Anthony had said he'd been working on the kitchen for almost a year now. The bathroom was the only thing he'd actually finished.

"Nice place you got here," I said as he tossed his coat on the couch.

"Nice my ass, bums got better furniture then me."

"No really, for it being you by yourself, it's really nice. You know, if you want any help on the fixing, I'm always willing to lend a hand."

"Yeah, but for how long?" he grabbed the food and started eating.

"You know I had no control over my leaving," I sat next to him with my plate.

"About as much as I have over having basic cable and a VCR."

I looked at his TV, it had piles of video tapes on it, "Gah, wow, I haven't used video tapes in ages."

"Not all of us have the money to buy DVD's," he mumbled from behind his fork.

"Did you invite me over to bitch at me or what!" I was slightly angry at the fact that he seemed more bitter than happy.

"I have no idea why I invited you!"

"We were friends Anthony. I guess a part of us was still hoping for that same connection that we had when we were young," I looked at him and he looked lost.

"…..I can't remember who I was, back then."

"So,…..you think we've changed too much to be friends again?"

"I don't know," he put his plate down.

I looked down at my plate, "Are you the same Anthony who asked me if my parents hit me?"

"Only if you're the same Shawn who said yeah without a second thought," he smiled slightly at me.

I looked at him at that point. It was like I was actually seeing him again for the first time. He was lonely, bitter, and unhappy. Not like he really changed from when we were young if you really thought about it. Back then he was angry, lonely, but he'd also been hopeful…….I'd like to pretend I had nothing to do with the _had been hopeful_ part. It wasn't till I was a bit older that I really realized what he'd meant when he kissed me, but in my defense I doubt he even really knew what he'd been saying either.

"Well, you did say that you could picture us together in an abandoned house." I smiled and he laughed.

"That I did!" he had a nice smile.

I was willing to get to know this Anthony and he was willing to get to know this Shawn, "I guess I better get going. My mom's gonna worry if I don't get home soon."

"Don't go…..Shawn, please?" he sounded desperate.

And I felt absolutely compelled, "…….fine, screw my mom, she so owes me anyways."

"Thanks. I'll put a movie on." we watched at least four of the movies he had and by two in the morning we'd finally passed out on the floor.

XXX

I woke up that morning with my face on top of the Panda Express box; I had chow mein in my hair. Anthony on the other hand was asleep on the couch one foot hanging off the side, the other leg bent up, one arm over his face, and the other was clutching a baseball bat. I had no idea where the bat came from or when he'd gotten on the couch.

I made my way to his bathroom and my first thought was that it so didn't belong in the house. There was a lot of stone work or at least something that _looked_ like it would be expensive. Anthony did say he didn't want to get too cheap on the house and that he loved the bathroom more than anything, the deep tub made it obvious.

I'd made my way back into the living room when I found Anthony picking up a bit, "Morning."

"Uh, you want breakfast or something?" his arms were full of wrappers and foam boxes.

"What do you have?" I walked over and started helping him a bit.

"…….eggs, potatoes, and pancake mix…..lots of pancake mix." he looked slightly embarrassed.

"I could, make us fries?" I shrugged and tossed the trash in the garbage.

"We're lucky I have a deep-fryer," he laughed and pulled it out of a bottom cupboard.

"And vegetable oil," there was a huge gallon on the counter.

"Yeah, Pam's for the stuck up." he laughed and threw the bag of potatoes at me.

"No that's canola oil," I said as I caught them and pulled out a bunch and started working on them.

"What the hell's canola oil?" he started to help peel potatoes.

"Exactly!" I said brandishing my potato peeler in the air.

Neither of us had school considering it was Saturday, but work was looming over us for the afternoon. We really didn't do much, he took a shower, I took one afterwards. He showed me the yard in the daylight and I met the old guy renting the house to him, who's a very nice old guy. After much debating, we called in sick for the day. I of course had to call my mom and tell her what I was up to and she'd said 'since when did you have friends?' which I told her was just cold!

Later that evening we were sitting on swings in the park. Playgrounds in the dark were kind of creepy if you thought about it. During the day it's a place filled with laughing and little kids playing. Not that Anthony and I had ever been to a public one before in our lives. When your parents are always yelling they don't have time to play nice with their children.

Slowly swinging on the swing I turned and noticed Anthony was looking at me, "What is it?"

"Nothing, just after you left I never really thought I'd see you again." he looked at the ground and kept gently swinging.

"If it makes you feel better, I thought about you a lot." I felt a little stupid admitting it, but I felt he should at least know.

"Yeah?" he looked at me again. "I never thought anyone really cared about me enough to even…..you know mention my name let alone think of me."

"You were the only person I hung around then, and you meant a lot to me. I'm sure it was the same for you." I hoped it was….and God did I sound sappy.

"Yeah, you sure did, Shawn." he stopped swinging and looked at me.

"_Did?_"

"……I meant what I'd said when we were kids." he wouldn't stop looking me in the eyes.

I could feel my heart start to pick up speed, but I did little to show it, "You did?"

"I still do," he gently pushed his swing towards me and kissed me, then whispered. "can't you?"

"I might," I kissed him back.

That night we went back to his house again. I'm sure my mother was either pissed or worried, either way I didn't care, she knows I'm a big boy. We sat in his room listening to the clock radio he had……just sitting quietly with each other; not really saying anything not really being quiet. I desperately wanted a cigarette, but Anthony turned out to be really anal about smoking inside the house. Go figure. After a while we just turned out the lights and laid down, not doing anything but lying next to one another like we use to do.

"Kinda nostalgic huh?"

"A bit," I mumbled already feeling sleepy.

"Hey, Shawn?" I could feel him inch slightly in my direction.

"What?" I didn't move. I wanted to know what he was doing before I did anything.

"I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same and I was sort of hoping…" he paused "that you wouldn't leave me again."

"I promise…."

Sleep that night came easy and was the best night's rest I'd had since we'd been apart. Not that I'll be saying that out loud anytime soon. Though, I'm more than sure it was the same for him as well because that night….he laced his fingers through my own.

XXX

1: Ok so like by the age of six I'm going to assume kids can at least cook something basic, because I sure did by that time. (Though I'll blame it on the fact that my mom hated cooking so we sort of _had_ to learn or else we really didn't get to eat anything real, thank god for the fruit trees out back lol.)

2: I'd just like to say, I never said how old they were in elementary school, so the world may never know! Also, two boys kissing in elementary school wasn't too far fetched either because I remember back when I was young that there was even a rumor that this one boy had "frenched" another boy in the boys' bathroom. 0o Dear lord, the things I heard back then would scare most people. Jr. High was just worse

A/N: I'm highly interested in the way events in people's lives affect the way they view the world or have an impact on the way they respond to things. I hope I can figure it out enough to write something good :makes distressed face:

Second Newsies fic and I still don't know if I did any good, but I'm gonna keep trying till I'm satisfied.

Yeah, I'm a talker! (Ps. C&C really wanted, I can take the criticism I swear! I'll be a little hurt or embarrassed, but really, I'm too passive to start e-mail wars!)


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